review review review episode 2: parents, coachella, and cheetos™

join us as we talk spicy snacks, parents vs technology, coachella, and the new malick.

the Cheetos™ in question

Vine
KevyPizza
Will Sasso
Michael LoPriore
Matt Boman

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DISCLAIMER:

I want to say first that I’m

A) Fucking psyched to get married

AND

B) Appreciate the support of my family, friends, wedding planner etc etc, honestly I would die without their constant hand holding. But anyway here goes…

So I’ve finally found a little clarity with the whole, “You’re getting married thing” now. I’ve nailed down a lot of shit. I still have like six months to do the rest. I wanted to post the below tid bit a while ago but I still hadn’t found the fucking dress and there was a part of me that was like, “Do not post that, for if you do…” But now I have the thing and I’m finally ready and I might say even more, but later, about what this whole wedding thing is about and how IN-FUCKING-BAT-SHIT-SANE all of it has become in the world of American Bridal bullshit. But for now, but for now, this is what I will tell you:

BITCH BRIDE DRESS GATE 2013 PART 1:

I find my sentiments about having a wedding to be much like my sentiments about living in LA. I don’t like LA. I think it’s a piece of shit and I don’t care for it as a city. That being said, I’ve made it my own and now I’m pretty happy here. Similarly, I find most wedding shit to be unbearable and cheesy and bad and upsetting to my delicate senses. But I am getting married. I am also entitled to doing my wedding my way. Though I’m on my own track I still have to live in the “Wedding World”. The world where things only come in pink, white, ivory and other permutations of marshmallow and ballet slippers.

There is no more insanely generic or palpably wedding style place in the world more ridiculous than the Bridal Shop. The Bridal Shop is just a fancy way for saying Wedding Dress Store. I’m starting to get the hint that they are called Bridal Gowns. What’s the difference?

The moment I step into a full on Bridal Shop I get anxiety so serious it makes me want to remove my shoes to gain some sense of comfort. Not only is everything strapless, shaped like a cupcake, mermaid or trumpet but there are people in this store who are freaking out because they love these styles so much. They are called brides.

I suffered a rude awakening when at one of my first destinations while I was being fitted by a lovely Russian lady for some kind of bra corset thing you try on underneath the dresses when I could hear a fuss of tool and other lacey materials rubbing together as one of the other brides stepped onto the pedestal and said the following, “But… do I look like a bride in this?”

In my world, I threw up. In “Bridal World” it’s a legitimate question because some brides feel that they can be dressed like a pretty princess from Disney but that does not make one “Bridal.” If that doesn’t make one Bridal I don’t know what does. I’m Jewish but I never thought Easter Sunday was that fancy. Maybe she feels Bo-Peepish? I don’t know.

Another thing you may not know about these shops is that dresses come in sample size “pre toddler” or “orca whale”. There is really no in between. At first I thought this was the exception not the rule and then I learned about it. So when trying on anything at all they are literally clamping you into it with industrial heavy duty clamps purchased at a Home Depot or you can not even squeeze one boob into it. The incentive to try on ill fitting dresses is the promise that if one looks halfway decent on you they can order it in your size for the price of your first born. How and why would I spend good hard earned cash on a garment that I can not even tell what it looks like?

The next thing that you may not know is that a “street size” eight can be a “bridal size” twelve. Why? The answer lies with someone who hates women very much. So when you go to try these things on and you think of how pretty you’re going to feel and how right it will be you must also consider that you will most definitely be a “bridal size” 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

In short, sorry. That’s all. Sorry if you’re a bride. Sorry if you’re not. There’s a dress out there that I will eventually love. I’ve gotten this far in life. Finding the person is by far and away the most important thing. The other stuff is just bridal. Or not.

UPDATE: I got it. It’s fucking awesome. It’s perfectly bridal/unbridal/Ertel/Of/The/Night and my mama helped. The unlikely tale of this purchase is coming in the next edition of DRESS GATE 2013 PART II.